Midlife Crisis: The Unavoidable Misery of the Middle-Aged Male… Or Female... Or Undecided
So, you’re having a midlife crisis eh? Fancy that. You don’t know whether to be angry, sad, or just accept it…life has rushed up behind you and pinched your saggy bum cheeks without a warning! So what do you do? 🤔
You trade in your normal sensible haircut for something more suitable for a teenager. You swap the reliable boring car for a sports car that sounds like a dying goose,and your peaceful evenings for a hobby that involves leather and questionable substances, and doing things you can’t do for as long as you used to.
The Classic Signs
Let’s be honest, the signs are pretty obvious. You’ve started talking about your “glory days” more than usual, and by “glory days” you mean that time you once managed to do some decent exercises at the gym, all while looking and feeling superior to that middle aged guy in the corner struggling to do some stretching exercises using a broom handle.
Guess what..that red faced portly middle aged gym disgrace is now YOU!
You’ve also taken to wearing clothes that make you look like you’re auditioning for a 90’s tribute band.
Perhaps you’ve decided to suddenly become an expert in obscure motorcycles or vintage guitars. Or anything that will no doubt bore the life out of anyone unlucky enough to get into a conversion with you.
Maybe you’ve embarked on a soul-searching journey that involves pretty pictures of angry dragons or skulls on your soon to be wrinkly skin, because tattoos always scream “LOOK AT ME, I’m so individual” …”not like you normal boring lot” or “I’ve Still Got It”
Oh and if that tattoo reads ” LIVE FAST,DIE YOUNG” then you have just missed the opportunity! … sorry about that.
The Root Cause: A Midlife Crisis Explained
What’s really going on here? Is it a hormonal imbalance? A cosmic alignment? Or simply a desperate attempt to recapture youth? The truth is, none of us really knows.
It may be a Fear of Mortality : As we age, it’s natural to start thinking about our own mortality. The realization that time is passing us by really quickly can lead to a panic-induced desire to live life to the fullest, or at least change something about our normal dull existence to get a little passion back. All of a sudden we notice that we don’t really fit in with the 30’s crowd any longer, we feel a little lost and wonder where we do actually fit in …is it the start of the end! Sitting in your favorite armchair with a warm drink and a biscuit now feels like your limits of excitement and ambition!
Unfulfilled Dreams : Perhaps you’ve always dreamed of being a rock star, a motorcycle stuntman, or maybe a martial arts expert. Now that you’re finally free from the shackles of responsibility, you feel compelled to chase those dreams, no matter how ridiculous they may seem….and all of those are ridiculous!
Existential Crisis : As we age, we may start to question the meaning of life. This can lead to a sense of despair and a desire to escape from the mundane… that “When exactly did this happen to me!?” feeling hits home.
How to Survive a Midlife Crisis (Without Looking Like a 100% Knob)
If you’re currently experiencing a midlife crisis, here are a few tips to help you navigate this sobering, grey, dull period.
Embrace Your Inner Fool : Go ahead, buy that ridiculous motorcycle or sign up for that Kung Foo course. Just don’t expect to be any more than 50% of your former self… and remember to do take out adequate insurance against accidents, because they are guaranteed to happen when you try to relive your younger years!
Set Realistic Goals : While it’s important to chase your dreams, it’s also important to be realistic. Don’t quit your day job to become a professional skydiver unless you have a solid backup plan.
Talk to Someone if you must : Whether it’s a friend, or a supportive family member, your cat, dog or parrot ( actually, not your parrot as it may repeat your hysterical crying to someone who doesn’t care) …. or ideally another future coffin dodger like yourself, share the misery! …pick carefully who you confide in though, if it’s anyone like me they will use your darkest deepest feelings of dread as a source of mockery against you for years to come!
Practice Self-Care: Take care of your physical and mental health. Eat well, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep….I hope you can hear the MASSIVE sarcasm and irony in that statement!
Remember, a midlife crisis is a normal part of aging. It’s an opportunity to reinvent yourself and discover new passions for a few months before slipping back into your old ways. Just don’t let it consume your life. And for christs sake, don’t get that tattoo!
The Silver Lining: A Midlife Crisis Can Be a Blessing in Disguise
While a midlife crisis can be a painful experience, it can also be a chance for positive change. By confronting your fears and embracing your vulnerabilities, you can emerge from this mind melting period stronger and more resilient than ever before….like returning to the gym for the first time in years, it opens your eyes to reality but will help in the long run.
So, the next time you catch yourself thinking about a spontaneous road trip to Vegas or a questionable hair transplant, take a deep breath and remember: it’s just a phase. And like all phases, it should pass, so just go out and get yourself a PlayStation console and ride it out.
In Conclusion
Midlife crises can be a source of amusement for those on the outside looking in, but for those experiencing it first hand, it can be a truly harrowing ordeal. By understanding the underlying causes and taking steps to manage the symptoms, it’s possible to navigate this shite period with grace and humor ..all while giving your younger friends something to laugh at and your older friends an excuse to say “told you so”.
Remember, a midlife crisis is not a death sentence. It’s simply a bump in the road. Embrace the chaos, learn from your mistakes, and emerge from the other side a wiser, more enlightened individual, oh ..and older, did I mention you are getting on a bit!
THE GYM HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED MY ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK, I USED TO THINK I WAS UGLY, NOW I KNOW I'M WEAK AND UGLY! 😁👌
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to attend to , like emptying the bins and refilling the salt and pepper pots.
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