Top 100 Middle Age Hobbies : Because Who Needs Free Time Anyway?
Hobbies…. those things you used to do when you had spare time, enthusiasm and available cash …. and …..
“before those bloody kids arrived”
1 Fishing : The all time number 1 boring hobby for us old farts! I quite enjoy it!
2 Stargazing : Staring blankly into space marveling at its lack of things to annoy you. About as far away from reality as you can get.
3 Journaling : Documenting your slow descent into middle-aged misery. Because what the world needs is another rant about your neighbours untidy garden.
4 Meditation : Good because you can use it as an excuse not to answer the door bell… “I was in a far away deep state”
5 Reading : And that doesn’t mean the back of a cereal packet or Razzle magazine!
6 Learning a new language : Go on holiday and make yourself look like a fool in front of the locals … or you could stay at home and do the same!
7 Puzzle-solving : At last, you can beat your 6 year old kid at something… until next year at least.
8 Collecting something unusual : Make sure you bore absolutely everyone with your obscure and rare collection of useless trinkets.
9 Indoor gardening : Pretend you’re “Swampy” the eco warrior while slowly killing a lettuce on the window ledge.
10 Candle making : FFS!.. Watching wax melt!… at least you’ll smell of essential oils when there’s a power cut.
For the Creative Soul (Delusional) :
11 Painting : If you’re clever, you can use it as an excuse to ogle naked models under the guise of ‘artistic inspiration.’
12 Drawing : Less messy than painting but harder to convince anyone with the same naked model excuse … but worth a try.
13 Writing : It’s just journaling under a less pretentious name, same result of boring anyone else who reads it.
14 Photography : That naked model excuse is getting more and more suspect.
15 Playing a musical instrument : Dig out that old Recorder from your school days and make some sounds like Celine Dion having root canal surgery without anesthetic.
16 Singing : Just when the neighbours think it couldn’t get any worse than your musical instrument …bring out the big guns!
17 Knitting/Crocheting : If you’re a male …NEVER EVER tell your mates … just say your granny knitted it before she croaked.
18 Jewelry making : Make some shiny, but worthless little trinkets and attempt to punt them out at 500% profit … welcome to the world of Etsy.
19 Calligraphy : Nothing but fancy pants writing …looks nice on divorce papers though.
20 Scrapbooking : When you kick the bucket, you just know the kids will burn it, saving the skip space for your collection of holiday souvenirs.
For the Active Type (Attention-Seekers) :
21 Hiking : Head out into the wilderness to be closer to Mother Nature, just don’t forget your phone and cigarettes …. for when the novelty of walking wears off.
22 Biking : Dress up in unnecessarily tight clothing and annoy every other road user with your self-righteous weaving about.
23 Swimming : Give the teenagers something to laugh at as you belly flop into the shallow end.
24 Yoga : If you are going to boast on Instagram you will need to learn this style of posing.
25 Dancing : Express your inner rage through eratic 70’s style movement.
26 Rock climbing : Test your limits and prove to yourself that you’re not completely useless. Handy if there is ever a Tsunami close by.
27 Kayaking/Canoeing : Escape civilisation via water … just remember there are no toilets, so think ahead or go somewhere remote.
28 Gardening : Just the thing for your bad back and aching knees. Just mowing the lawn once a year doesn’t count either!
29 Running : Outrun your problems. Or at least try to before you get a stitch.
30 Martial arts : Learn how to defend yourself from the inevitable robot uprising.
For the Curious Mind (Intellectually Nosey) :
31 Astronomy : Contemplate the vastness of the universe and confirm your own insignificance.
32 History : Learn from the mistakes of the past and prepare to do them all again
33 Philosophy : Try not to think too much about this one.
34 Learning a new skill : this is a tricky one because we tend to know everything about everything already.
35 Volunteering : Feel slightly less guilty about your privileged existence by helping those less fortunate. Look at you, all virtuous and stuff.
36 Attending lectures and workshops : Remember to sit right at the back just in case you have no idea whats going on.
37 Visiting museums and galleries : Experience culture and feel vaguely superior for a short while.
38 Collecting antiques : You do know this is what your grand kids call it when they have to pick you up from the retirement home.
39 Genealogy : Discover that you’re not related to King Charles after all.. and your ancestors were all robbers and thieves.
40 Learning about different cultures : Cheer yourself up by realising that your problems are not unique and that everyone is equally miserable, wherever they come from.
For the Foodie (or just Plain Greedy) :
41 Cooking : To avoid eating the same sad, processed meals every night. But be careful you don’t step on your wifes toes with this one! She won’t be happy.
42 Baking : To create delicious treats that you’ll inevitably scoff all by yourself.
43 Wine tasting : To justify your excessive alcohol consumption… “I’m not drinking, just tasting”
44 Coffee roasting : If you’re too tight to go to Starbucks for shite coffee, roast your own.
45 Cheesemaking : Who doesn’t want to spend hours meticulously monitoring the temperature and humidity of curdling milk.
46 Homebrewing : A great way to spend time in the shed alone, then enjoy the fruits of your labour … bliss
47 Foraging : Bin Diving under a different name.
48 Growing your own microgreens : The ultimate in pretentious, overpriced salads. Because regular lettuce is for peasants.
For the Techie (Nerds) :
49 Coding : Perfect for the middle aged virgin.
50 Drone piloting : Spy on the neighbours and commit potential airspace violations.
51 3D printing : Custom made useless plastic toys that only take 3 days to print.
52 Virtual reality gaming : It’s still no match for Kerplunck
53 Learning to play a vintage video game console : Play games like when you was a young kid, get ready to break down it tears longing for your youth…very relaxing.
For the Lazy (Bums) :
54 People-watching : An excellent way to pass the time while simultaneously judging everyone around you.
55 Cloud gazing : People leave you alone because they think you’re nuts…and it’s cheaper than therapy if you actually are.
56 Daydreaming : remember those gorgeous girls/boys you dumped in your 20’s, well now imagine them in their 50’s…lucky escape!
57 Collecting watches : Could a hobby get any less energetic!
58 Watching reality TV : Misery loves misery…so I am told, don’t get it myself.
For the Outrageously Indulgent (Spoilt) :
59 Collecting rare vinyl records : Spend a small fortune on something you’re scared to listen to.
60 Collecting vintage cars : Finally something with a body in worse condition than yours!
61 Collecting fine art : Perfect if you have pompus friends and exorbitant wealth.
62 Luxury travel : The days of enjoying sleeping in a tent are long gone. Spend the kids inheritance on a decent holiday each year!
For the Absurdly Specific (Nutters) :
63 Collecting bottle caps : Proving that there is a hobby for everyone, no matter how absurd.
64 Knife throwing : Talk the wife into being your assistant … 2 birds with one stone.
65 Homing Pigeons : Sell them on Ebay and they’ll come back next week.
66 Extreme Ironing : Females only I’m afraid.
For the Truly Desperate (Beyond Hope) :
67 Watching paint dry : Still better than watching daytime TV.
68 Self-Help books : There’s something you don’t see on the top shelf of the newsagents nowdays. Unless I am getting the wrong idea?
69 Listening to Audio Books : Perfect if you are too lazy to turn over a piece of paper.
70 Cryptocurrency : Extreme gambling with something you don’t even understand.
For the Existentially Terrified (Weirdos) :
71 Planning your own funeral : Hopefully you wont find that the wife has already done it for you.
72 Coffin Making : Ask the mother in law for her height and weight before buying the materials.
73 Build a doomsday bunker : Finally… your own mancave…Always look on the bright side I say.
For the Hopeless Romantic (Suckers) :
74 Flower Arranging : So many uses…dating, proposals, engagements, weddings, apology gifts, divorce celebrations. Usually in that order.
75 Collecting love letters : For when you might need a good laugh at your past self.
For the Cynical (Negative Nellys) :
76 Complaining about everything : Not so much a hobby, more a middle aged way of life.
77 Watching the news : You’re not happy unless you’re unhappy.
78 Reading online comments sections : Guaranteed dose of human nature at it’s worst…great fun though.
79 Learning to swear in every language imaginable : Covert insults are a true gift to yourself.
For the Truly Bizarre (Freaks) :
80 Collecting toenail clippings : At least nobody will try to steal your treasure.
81 Nose hair trimming : Electric trimmers, manual pluckers, waxing, whats not to love?
82 Cock Fighting : STOP IT….just stop it now. I can hear you at the back!
83 Snail Racing : If you can’t win that one, I give up.
For the Self-Destructive (Foot Shooters) :
84 Body Piercing : Get both ears done and you can look like a plonker from both sides.
85 Go to the Gym : Yes that old favorite, regain your youth by spending all your time recovering from over enthusiastic weight lifting. Because you need a few aches and pains!
86 Senior Boxing : get beaten up by 12 year old kids while training… one to be proud of.
For the Utterly Defeated (Parents):
87 Stare at the wall : Because sometimes, even the act of blinking is too much effort.
88 Questioning your very existence : Pondering the meaning of life? .. just get on with it!
89 Building Miniature Furniture : What on Earth !!!! is there anything less useful? (unless you have a very civilised Gerbil)
For the Masochist (Not Righters) :
90 Mushroom Picking : You may end up, very healthy, very high, or very dead.
91 Bare Foot Walking : Feel the grass under your feet…just avoid the Lego.
92 Choir Singing : If you want all your friends to abandon you then this is a good start.
For the Truly Enlightened (Realists):
93 Spiritual Awakening : Mental Awareness they call it…aware that you’ve gone mental more like.
94 Mastering the art of the perfect nap : Finally … a worthwhile hobby!
95 Understanding the universe : Still try to pull the door open when it has a big PUSH sign on it? ..this hobby is not for you!
Nearly There! (Oh Thats A Shame!) :
96 Worm Charming : How I met the wife.
97 Shin Kicking : Thick as two short planks?… perfect hobby for you then.
FFS FINALLY !!! :
98 Complaining about the weather : A timeless British classic.
99 Complaining about the government : A timeless worldwide classic.
100 Complaining about this list : …why didn’t I just make it a Top 20!?
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