LOOKING AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
That First Look At Your Reflection Is Always A Delight!
It happens every morning, get out of bed all blurry eyed, stumble half awake into the bathroom for the customary spend a penny, I’ll wait to spend a pound until after the first coffee.
Wow, the face looking back at me doesn’t match the one I have in my mind.
The wrinkles seem to have exploded in the last few years, they used to be from laughter but now it’s just old age, squinting, frowning,scowling and such …. no problem, some laser tazer burning, a moisturising sheeps spit face mask, and a face massage from a woman in a revealing white gown and a fake tan should sort that.
Back to the self-portrait portal
… Those once bright white teeth are now a golden shade of cream, the pearl white hardened enamel that used to protect them is now worn so thin that the yellow core is starting to show through, much like middle age life in its self. No matter how hard we scrub away at them, that enamel, or the younger years, just ain’t coming back!.. You can try some “Glistening Glacier Glaze Ice Bright” whitening paste, made from a trillion tiny eco-destroying plastic polishing particles, infused with bamboo husk and burnt cedarwood powder, .. but if you want anything more than a ten minute solution then the only option is to have £20,000 worth of teeth blankets put over the top of your freshly-ground-down stumps. Best of British and carry on with what you have!
Back to the ego-fixer
… The bags under the eyes … Jesus!.. they look bigger than a jumbo “holdall for life” from Tescos. Some “Lorean snail sputum” enriched with vitamin xxx, natural wind extract and mulberry bush root should treat those saggy satchels.
Back to the selfie-silencer
… The eyebrows are looking like a couple of out of control thorn bushes, spurious grey hairs seem to grow bigger and at a different angle from the rest… No problem, the “Bic 6000 ultra-man shave professional grooming system” will make short work of those…. a quick tip change and the same piece of high tech machinery makes short work of the runaway nostril hairs that dare to show their selves below the conk.
Back to the preen-screen
… I seem to need three shaves a day to stop the face stubble from making me look even older. Why not grow a beard you ask?… Because they are for hipster wanna be Vikings… I don’t think Vikings would have sipped cold mocha latte’s before murdering and pillaging in a knitted beanie hat. Why not have a man bun or ponytail, just to complete the twat look. You’ll be buying a pushbike next!… OOOh I can feel the anger growing inside!
Back to the image-inspector
… I can see magical crystals, priceless gem like structures, clinging onto the corners of the eyes, like little salty limpets waiting to be picked off and flicked into space…. only to be found stuck two inches below the eyes a little later.
Back to the vision-vault
… Quick peek up the nostrils… any cabbage leaves in view?.. the hard decision has to be made… defuse and remove the crusty yet plyable nasal invaders with a well placed finger right up into the upper tender areas of the nose… or wait until you shower and find they have given up the fight and are now abandoning ship without a fight.
Back to the glamour-glass
… Hair’s a mess.. No problem, “Feedaaal Shasoon Extra firm hold styling clay paste gel” will hold down that out of control Barnet.
Back to the identity-reflector
… there can’t be anything else surely! yep, lips dryer than some peoples sarcastic humor (Eh?) … us blokes don’t give a monkeys backside about having dry lips, but the female of the species just wont have it… “put some of my Vaseline on those lips!” she cries…I’m always a bit wary of the Vaseline pot though, it looks like a thousand different fingers have been in there. But I go ahead and spread it on because the alternative is some lipstick type creation made from natural organic Shea butter, unleaded glycerol petroleum hydroxalide sulphuric chromate and a touch of guava juice.
Back to the reflection-contraption
… Ear hairs coming along nicely, well nicely if we are trying to grow another head of hair sideways! How can hairs possibly grow on top or round the outer edge of the ear??? what use is this sorcery? keeping the lobes warm, maybe? … and how does this useless lug fleece manage to grow about 2 centimeters without us noticing? Another job for the “Bic 6000 ultra-man shave professional grooming system”, albeit with the all purpose chopping attachment.
Back to the reflecto-slab
… did I mention it is a full length mirror? … arm pit hairs poking out like an upside down Medusa , easy work for the Bic 6000 lawnmower attachment. Quick squirt of spray on Mens Cool Ice Power Sport Extreme Active Dynamic Control Protection, (with its 48 hour guarantee to leave a white mark as you put your shirt on ) antiperspirant. Job done, smelling more manly than Liberace at a gay bar.
Back to the shiny truth-teller
… the big belly (you can read more about this and other middle aged man issues here), I can ignore that as I’ve earned it, all bought and paid for.
Back to that lying vanity-visor
… Hehe, the middle regions! The Bic6000 will have a field day here, short back and sides for the twig and 2 berries. Then on to the sweet cheeks if it’s that special day of the year when the wife is feeling friendlier than usual.
You guessed it,back to that bloody mirror
…the feet of a thousand dreams!, you can read more here about the joys of whiffy walkers, lets just say they always need work, it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it!
Now I’m sure some of you guys reading this may have a different experience when you take a peep in the mirror, but please don’t be envious of my “total package” torso, I am just lucky that I have been blessed by the Gods of health and beauty, at least it gives you something to aim for.
p.s. Did I mention I have a mirror for sale? Only ever used once and I just couldn’t get on with it, I actually think it may be faulty!
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