New Year, Same BS.
So here we are again, teetering on the edge of another year.
That bloody Xmas thing has only just relieved itself over us and now its New Years time to rub it in.
The desperate cries of “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” plastered across every social media feed. Half hearted resolutions, big plans about making lifestyle changes, but lets face it – most of us are the same pile of steaming stuff we were 12 months ago. We learnt last year that eating a few Lidl’s salads and attempting to touch your toes isn’t going to magically solve all our problems.
The "New Year, New Me" Sham :
The start of a new year, we are told, is a time for reflection, for setting ambitious goals, and for embarking on a journey of self-improvement. What a load of old tosh!
There are several half arsed things we all attempt and will most likely give up on withing a few weeks (and that’s the die-hard ones who last that long!), most of us will be back on the Bourbons before you can say
“it’s just all too much like hard work”
The Fitness Frenzy :
January, the month when gyms are packed to the rafters with well-meaning, if somewhat unrealistic slobs who sincerely believe they’ll finally achieve those six-pack abs like they had when they were 21. By March, half of those people will have ghosted their gym memberships faster than a bad Tinder date.
Sure, you might start strong, with daily workouts and a diet that would make a rabbit proud,but that wont last! Inevitably, the allure of Netflix and takeaway pizza will reclaim its throne.
The newly purchased treadmills start collecting dust and morph onto expensive coat hangers, and those fancy workout clothes become nothing more than overpriced couch outfits or school run uniforms.
“Look at me, I joined BLASTERS GYM”
so did big Brenda and her husband fat Larry, I bet they’ve both stopped going as well!
Diet Delusions :
Who knew there were so many ways to starve yourself in the name of health?
From keto to paleo to vegetable juice cleanses … they sound lovely don’t they? January is a car boot sale of diet trends. Each promises miraculous results, but they all end the same way — with a desperate midnight raid of the biscuit barrel. You tell yourself it’s just a “cheat day,” but deep down, you know it’s a full-blown relapse. Detox teas and green smoothies are all well and good until you’re hit with a craving for something deep-fried and smothered in cheese.
Moderation? Pfft. That’s for young fit people with willpower, we’ll just stay weak in mind, spirit and body ..thank youuuuuuuuuu.
The Great De-Clutter :
Minimalism is the holy grail of the new year.
“Tittle Tattle” magazine has convinced us all that our happiness is buried under piles of old magazines and mismatched socks.
So, we embark on a decluttering spree, convinced that tossing out our clutter will somehow declutter our souls. For about a week, your home looks like a minimalist paradise. Then, reality sets in. You remember that you paid a lot of money for that old junk you’ve just tossed out, the binmen will think they have hit the jackpot.
Your shopping habits resurface, and soon you’re buried under a new wave of “essential” purchases. Because who can live without that essential avocado slicer or the latest TikTok promoted tat?
The Productivity Pretense :
This is the year you’re going to be super organized and productive, right?
You buy planners, download productivity apps, and set up an elaborate system of reminders and to-do lists.
For about a week, you’re a guru of efficiency …. But then, the novelty wears off. The planner gathers dust, the apps become silent witnesses to your procrastination and lack of ability to stick to anything even for a short period, and the to-do lists are just longer reminders of everything you didn’t do. Yet another page of unused apps on your phone to swipe across.
Turns out, productivity isn’t about the tools —
it’s about actually doing the work. Who knew?
Social Media Smokescreen :
The worst part of the new year, and one of the most annoying things about the whole period – The relentless parade of social media posts from people who seem to have their lives perfectly together.
They’re meditating at sunrise, preparing gourmet meals, and running half marathons before breakfast — all while grinning at the selfie camera. I wonder who gets their kids ready for school in the mornings!
Meanwhile, you’re scrolling through your Facebook feed in yesterday’s pants , contemplating the meaning of life.
It’s all smoke and mirrors, folks. Behind every perfect Instagram post showing some talentless Z list celebrity perched ontop of a mountain “Manifesting Abundance”, is a real person, just as disappointed and imperfect as you are, …
and that’s a whole lot of disappointment and imperfection!
The New Years Party : Hell On Earth
Days of preparation, bundles of money, enough food and booze to supply a cruise liner for a month … the New Years Eve Party!!!
Arghhhhhh….not again! Anyone and everyone snooping around your home, trampling cheese and pineapple sticks into your best fireside rug. Non stop inane chatter about where your going on holiday this year, what car you driving now, how are the kids doing at school, how’s work …. all leading to a sort of verbal jousting match to impress each other … but don’t worry, everybody knows it’s all just bluff.
1o minutes past midnight, the new year is here, and the first person declares that it’s time they made a move home…this causes a stampede of others following suit. “Are you sure you’ve got to go so early” …but inside you’re screaming “YES, at last”.
Then the leaving speech starts.
Thanks for coming.
Don’t be a stranger.
Great to see you.
Don’t leave it so long next time.
We must do this again sometime.
We should catch up more often.
THANK GOD THEY’VE GONE!!!!
The Real Resolution :
So, what’s the solution to this annual pantomime we have to take part in?
Maybe it’s time we all just admit that the new year isn’t some magical reset button. It’s just another day, another chance to try and do a little better — not because a calendar demands it, but because we want to ….. sort of!
Lower your expectations, take the small wins, maybe try to drink a glass of water before lunchtime, try to make your bed before getting back into it, you’re a champ! and above all, be kind to yourself and say
Rollocks to the Bollocks that is New Year!
Disclaimer: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only and does not necessarily reflect the author’s actual feelings towards the new year. (Or maybe it does. Who knows and frankly, who cares?)
P.S. If you’re still reading this, you either have a morbid fascination with the new year blues or you’re desperately seeking a kindred spirit. In either case, you have my deepest sympathies (and maybe a silent nod of approval).
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