Cooking for Middle-Aged Men: A Survival Guide for Solo Nights
So, here we are. The wife is doing a disappearing act for the night, off doing something she’s conveniently labeled as “essential.” Maybe she’s sipping cocktails at a hen do for some distant relative whose name you can’t even remember. Maybe she’s at a wine bar with her gang of “the girls,” reminiscing about pre-marriage freedom. Or, in the most dire scenario imaginable, she’s at her parents’, having an endless conversation about garden furniture or the weird mole on Uncle Frank’s back.
Just remember, when she’s entering the taxi and bellows out, “You can look after yourself tonight,” make sure you wave from the doorstep with a big smile and then a two-fingered salute when she’s out of view!
You, on the other hand, are left all alone to fend for yourself like a hungry Hyena in a barren kitchen landscape! Cooking isn’t exactly your top skill—it’s somewhere between expert-level (building IKEA furniture without the instructions) and beginner-level (understanding why cushions are classed as decorative). But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with some easy meals for men who aren’t kitchen pros. Survival is the aim, without actually putting any concerted effort into it. Basically – Easy meals for middle-aged men!
Option 1: The Petrol Station Special – Quick and Easy Meals for When You Can’t Be Bothered to Cook.
For the busy, sophisticated middle-aged man, petrol stations are not just for petrol. They’re a hub of culinary mediocrity, and for the middle-aged man left to fend for himself, they’re also a one-stop shop for calories when you’re craving easy meals until the wife returns.
Step-by-Step Guide to the Petrol Station Experience:
1. The Excuse for Stopping: Start by deciding this trip is necessary. Maybe the car’s fuel gauge is just a tiny bit under half. Congratulations, you’re already winning—picking up dinner feels like killing two birds with one mediocre microwave meal.
2. Pretending to Think It Over: Stroll into the service station with a look of mild focus and avoiding any unnecessary eye contact with other customers while searching for the lazy-mans food section. This makes it seem like you’ve considered all your options and didn’t come to the conclusion “I just can’t be bothered” until right now.
3. The Meal Selection: Avoid anything that looks too ambitious. Rule of thumb: if it comes with vegetables, skip it. Go for the “classic” ready meals—spaghetti Bolognese, chicken curry, or the ever-popular “all-day breakfast” (which, ironically, tastes nothing like breakfast at any time of day). Now you’ve selected the frozen but still wilted looking packet of food substitute, you’re ready for the next step.
4. If the microwave is functional—and clean enough that you can just about avoid a health crisis—heat the meal in-store.
Bonus Tip: For the ultimate “petrol station meal experience,” upgrade your purchase with a bar of chocolate and a can of energy drink to accompany your microwaved joy. This pairing elevates your meal from just sad to “sad with life threatening caffeine levels.”
Why are you doing all this? Because the last time your wife trusted you not to burn the oven, all the smoke alarms went off and you had to have all the windows open for 2 days.
Option 2: Lidl’s “Meal for One” — Fine Dining for the Man Who Needs Very Little Taste
For men like us, Lidl is the true treasure trove of midlife cooking greatness. The wife may swan off with her friends to expensive restaurants, but you’ve got Lidl’s frozen aisle to tempt you with its icy blandness. From chicken kievs that leak like a faulty radiator to shepherd’s pie that looks like the shepherd may have worked in a horse stable, to something vaguely described as “Asian fusion”. There’s something for everyone—or at least for everyone willing to accept food that tastes nothing like it’s supposed to.
Step-by-step guide to Lidl Dining:
1. Don’t bother reading the instructions on the packaging, they might as well scream, “We know you’re not paying attention!” Pop it in the oven, turn on the timer, and wait for dinner.
2. While the meal cooks, use those 25 minutes wisely:
Sink into the sofa with your third beer, realizing that life isn’t as bad as it seems.
Scroll endlessly on your phone. Just don’t get lost in the rabbit hole of “if there’s 2 ducks and 1 elephant, how many legs are on the kitchen table” type Facebook posts.
Remember halfway through the cooking time that the film lid should’ve been peeled off further, panic, and burn your fingers fixing it.
3. Upon hearing that awful screech from the timer, take your freshly prepared meal out of the now red-hot, warped and droopy packaging and place it on an actual plate to make it look vaguely home-cooked.
4. The result? A dish that tastes suspiciously like burnt Polystyrene but at least looks five percent better than your petrol station find.
Bonus Tip: DO NOT venture down the middle aisles when shopping, you’re there to buy food, not a 6Volt cordless electric chainsaw or a Ouija board for kids under 5.
Option 3: “Creative Cooking” – For When You Dare to Experiment
Let’s talk creativity. Every blogger, YouTuber, and random relative will tell you that cooking is “fun.” It’s just not! The average middle-aged man doesn’t want to experiment with dragon fruit or seaweed. We will just end up swearing like Gordon Ramsey, while doing as little preparation and cooking as possible.
Here are some “creative” ideas to make you feel posh, but actually require no effort:
1. The Toasted Masterpiece:
Nothing beats simple cheese on toast, but if you’re feeling ambitious, upgrade to a 3 star Michelin level by adding the tomato sauce in a zig-zag pattern for that little extra flair. Mmmm finger licking good!
2. The Fridge Clearance Omelette:
Crack some eggs into a bowl, whisk, and throw literally anything on top. Leftover chicken, peas, or even that sad bit of bacon hiding behind the butter. Don’t overthink it—it all tastes the same once it’s drowned in pepper and cheese.
3. Ramen Reinvented:
Cook instant noodles for that familiar student flashback, but then elevate them to grown up standards. Got a tin of sweetcorn? Toss it in. Found a 2 day old burnt sausage earlier? Chop it up and call it “extra protein.” Garnish with a “fancy” basil leaf you got from the dying pot plant by the window. This is creativity at its bland, low-effort best.
Bonus Tip: Crushed salt and vinegar crisps make a lovely topping to any of your masterpieces, Marco Pierre Whatshisface would be proud.
Option 4: The Solo Steak Dinner – How to Cook a Steak for One (and Impress No One!)
Of all the meals you can whip up while your wife is out, steak is the ultimate confidence boost. Cooking one feels powerful—like you’re a man in control. (Of course, how long you stare at the charred aftermath muttering, “Close enough,” depends on your actual cooking skills.)
The 4 Step-by-Step Solo Steak Journey:
1. Choose Your Weapon: Head to the supermarket and pick out the steak that looks vaguely edible but doesn’t cost as much as your wife’s last hair appointment. Ribeye is good, but even a budget cut can feel classy with enough BBQ sauce.
2. Cooking with Precision (and a big dollop of luck): Heat the pan just enough so it starts splattering hot fat all over your cooker. Sear one side for two minutes, then flip it with all the confidence of a man who’s 90% sure he’ll set off the smoke alarm. If it’s undercooked, it’s OK because that beardy bloke with the muscles on Facebook said it should be nearly raw anyway.
3. For the full “Instagram Worthy” experience, add some frozen chips (preferably cooked) and a few heartburn inducing onion rings.
4. Pour a large glass of wine (if you’re that pompous alcoholic type) , or open a can of Tenants extra if you’re more of a “classic drunken bum”
Bonus Tip: If you actually pull off any of this, take 50 photos from different angles and convince yourself you need to apply for Master Chef.
Option 5: Takeaway – The Single Man’s Night Out
Takeaway isn’t just food—it’s an occasion. While your wife swans off for “craft cocktails and small plates” with her mates, you get the joy of a proper takeaway feast. Don’t let delivery rob you of the experience. Drive down to the shop yourself, because (let’s be honest) it’s the closest thing to a night out you’ve had since 2012.
4 Easy Steps to Takeaway Heaven
1. You put on actual shoes and leave the house: That’s exercise, technically.
2. The Escape: Sliding into the car feels oddly thrilling when you’re otherwise stuck at home. Crank up your music—no one to say, “Seriously? We’re still listening to Guns N’ Roses?” Take the long way round to extend your short term freedom.
3. Order Like a Pro: Walk in, smile at the staff, add in a little “Busy Tonight?” and order a little more than you need. Garlic naan and chips? Go on, treat yourself. Add an extra spring roll because you’ve already kissed your non existent calorie limits goodbye.
4. Drive Back in Glory: Grab your takeaway and return home like you’re a Roman emperor bringing spoils from battle. You’ve indulged, and no one—not your wife, nor her calorie-counting friends—will stop you from eating that bag of greasy delights straight from the container.
Bonus Tip: always get plastic cutlery so you can easily dispose of every bit of evidence in one big sweep of the arm, pushing the whole leftovers, empty cartons and half eaten prawn crackers into the same bag you collected them in… no sign of a lazy meal here , thank you!
Final Thoughts:
Cooking as a middle-aged man isn’t a skill—it’s survival. Whether you’re making solemn trips to Lidl’s frozen aisle, braving the health hazards of a petrol station meal, or turning steak night into a solo celebration, the point is to get through it and make the wife think it was easy without her. I think she will respect and admire you for your masculine efforts at feeding and looking after yourself for 6 hours straight…Bravo!
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