The Top 10 Middle-Aged Man Issues: Welcome to the Midlife Circus
Welcome to the first 10 issues that popped into my head…as you know there are PLENTY more! …. probably enough for a series of posts right up to the “Top 100” …. we’ll start with 10 for now, save you falling asleep before reaching the end.
1. Eyesight : Gone In The Blink of An Eye
The joys of middle age where squinting becomes your new hobby. Remember those days when you could read the fine print on anything? Especially medicine bottles….I just guess how much to take now, what could go wrong!
Now, your arms are never quite long enough to hold the menu at a readable distance, and bifocals have become your new best friend. It’s almost like your eyes are staging a midlife crisis of their own, refusing to cooperate unless you dangle a pair of reading glasses in front of them.
Your entire reading experience depends on the finding your goggles, or better yet, the nearest teenager to read things out loud for you.
Straining your peepers has become your new facial expression and finding where you left those 3x magnification cheapo reading lenses has become a new hobby … only to find them on top of your head again!
What I’m definitely not going to do is visit an opticians for an eye test, waste of time!, nothing wrong with my eyes!
2. Hearing : I Heard That, Pardon
The struggles of middle age hearing.
Remember when you could catch the faintest whisper from across the room? Now, you’re the annoying one that repeats “What?” and “Huh?” after anything is said to you. Conversations in noisy restaurants? Forget about it. You’re nodding along like you totally caught that last sentence when all you heard was a muffled mess that sounded like an old person chewing a toffee without their false teeth.
And let’s not forget the unexpected bonus track : tinnitus. That persistent ringing in your ears that makes you wonder if you’ve developed superhuman abilities to detect dog whistles. There are those who would say it’s even more annoying than the wife’s constant warbling .. but I definitely don’t agree with that, oh no, never !
The irony? Your ears seem to have no problem picking up the sound of your joints creaking, or the alarm clock at 6 AM.
Embrace the ear-friendly world of Youtube captions, sub-titles, and sitting watching tv with headphones on, away from the constant noise that is family.
Anyway, why strain to hear when you can just fake it with a well-timed nod and a vague smile, almost as if you are practicing for that old peoples home in the future!
everything has a silver lining if you look for it.
3. Belly : The Unwanted Expansion Pack
Our once lovely flat belly.
That delightful body part that insists on expanding no matter how many salads you eat. The six-pack has long been replaced by a party keg! Exercise and dieting? Sure, those are great in theory …in practice …mehhhh.
Those jeans that you’ve had for 10 years, they still fit ..just as long as they sit below the belly bulge( leaving a saggy denim mess around your bum) ..or pull them up above the love cushion and look like your grandad in his high waisted Sunday best .
We may just have to embrace the Dad Bod.
It’s all the rage these days anyway…result! Plus, it gives you something to rest your beer on while you watch the game….. and the women really love it!
4. Wrinkles : Lines of Wisdom or Just Lines?
Wrinkles, the ultimate middle finger from Father Time.
Each one tells a story, and spoiler alert — they’re not interesting stories.
Crow’s feet and laugh lines? More like evidence of stress and sleepless nights.
Your once smooth young face now has that “Lived In” look … or more precisely that “taken over by squatters and used as a shelter by tramps” look!
There are those adverts that say for a mere £100 per thimble full, you can have a magical rejuvinating serum made from ” Regeneze Vitalin Hydrogenis” …. or more accurately, 98% petroleum jelly mixed with water and chemicals that lightly moisturizes your face for 60 minutes before returning you back to your natural craggy exterior.
Wear them with pride we say, you’ve earned them.
5. Hair : Plus and Minus
The hair gods must have a sick sense of humor.
While the hair on your scalp stages a disappearing act, it makes unwanted appearances in your ears, nose, back, even the tops of your toes for Gods sake!
Congratulations, you’re officially morphing into a full time werewolf.
Save on shampoo, sure, but get ready to spend on trimmers and nose hair tweezers. At least you’re saving time in the morning routine, right? Wrong. Now you’re just spending it grooming places you never knew needed grooming.
The barbershop visits become less regular, but still a great opportunity to share your midlife wisdom with some unsuspecting young’un. …yep, bore the living daylights out of them with your stories from the old days,
that’ll teach them to get their hair trimmed on “half price for pensioners” Wednesday!
6. Fitness : The Uphill Battle
Remember when you could eat anything and not gain a pound? Now, looking at a donut adds an inch to your waistline.
The gym is no longer a place of improvement but one of maintenance — if you can drag yourself there.
Running a marathon has been replaced by eating one!
The gym has become a place of torture rather than pleasure. Cardio? Weights? Stretching? All in the pursuit of maintaining some semblance of your former physique.
kidding yourself that 30 mins a week on a Wii console doing boxercise while eating a slice of 3 cheese pizza between rounds will cut it …nice try!
But who are we kidding? Fitness in middle age is more about damage control than anything else ….
Use It Or Lose It … We’ve most likely done both!
7. Flexibility : The Lost Art
Touching your toes? In your dreams! it’s as much as you can muster to scratch your arse!
Your body creaks and groans with every attempt to bend or stretch. Yoga might help, twisting into a pretzel while a perfectly toned instructor tells you to “breathe through the pain” , all while trying to not look like a frog that’s been drugged in front of 20 middle aged Karen’s who believe they can stretch more if they wear skin tight lycra.
Flexibility isn’t just physical either ; it’s a metaphor for trying to adapt to life’s never-ending twists and turns without snapping in half.
8. Memory : The Swiss Cheese Brain
Your memory is now full of holes. Names, dates, why you walked into a room — it’s all a mystery.
You’ve become a master of the blank stare and the awkward pause. “Where did I put my keys?” is your new catchphrase.
Sticky notes and reminders are now your best friends, and you’ve come to accept that no, you won’t remember to pick up milk on your way home.
Names and faces? Forget it. You meet someone three times, and each time it’s a game of mental gymnastics to recall their name. You know the face, the context, the small talk, but the name? Gone. It’s like it gets sucked into a black hole the moment you walk away. You resort to calling everyone “buddy,” or “pal” And let’s not forget the awkward dance of avoiding name mentions altogether, hoping someone else will blurt it out so you can pretend you knew it all along.
It’s a skill that needs mastering as you get older.
9. Boredom : Midlife Levels Of Excitement
Boredom in middle age is like an uninvited guest who overstays their welcome.
Remember when your life was a non-stop high of late nights out and spontaneous adventures? Now, the highlight of your week is deciding whether to watch another episode of your favorite mind numbing gameshow or whether to have an early night.
You find yourself in a never-ending loop of routine and predictability. The same old job, the same old commute, the same old dinners, infact the same old everything — rinse and repeat.
Hobbies? Sure, they sound great in theory, but who has the energy to start something new when you’re already exhausted from just existing? and anyway, who wants to start plane spotting or building 1/48th scale dolls houses from balsa wood.
And let’s not forget the existential boredom that creeps in. You’ve hit all the traditional milestones : career, family, home ownership. Now what? The midlife crisis kicks in with a vengeance, making you ask yourself…
is this all there is?
Spoiler alert: It is.
10. Lethargy : The Constant Companion
Lethargy is your new best friend.
Remember when you had boundless energy to stay up all night and still function the next day? Yeah, those days are long gone. Now, your bed is the most seductive thing in your life, and “tired” is your default setting. You wake up tired, go to work tired, come home tired — blimey, you’re probably tired of reading this right now! How rude!
What about the energy levels of a middle-aged man, not so much low, more like underground. Simple tasks feel like climbing Mount Everest. Folding laundry? Better clear your schedule for the day. Getting up from the couch?
Might as well be competing in the Olympics.
And let’s not forget the sheer thrill of taking a nap. In your twenties, a nap was a sign of weakness. Now, it’s the highlight of your weekend.
The irony? Despite being continually exhausted, you can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep. You toss and turn, your mind racing with thoughts of everything you didn’t do today and everything you have to do tomorrow.
Lethargy isn’t just physical, it’s a state of mind. The motivation to start anything new is buried under a mountain of fatigue. And honestly, who has the energy to dig it out? You’ve embraced the art of
half-assing everything, because who needs to give 100% when 40% will do just fine?
And there you have it — just a snapshot of the myriad of issues plaguing middle-aged man. Of course, these are just the tip of the iceberg. Never fear there will be a top 100 post along sometime …now that WILL be boring!
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